Recently a friend of mine expressed dismay at how many people did not say a cheery thank you, or frankly show any thanks at all, when she slowed her car to let them out. Frankly, she said, she’d had enough and would not be offering this service forthwith.
This led to an interesting discussion. Why do some people let others into a queue of cars and others do not? And why do some people say thank you and others feel there is no need to acknowledge such kindness? In a similar vein, why do some people drop litter and care nothing for the environment they inhabit, whereas others would never consider doing such a thing, and would often be the first to pick up and dispose of the mess other people leave behind?
An ex-colleague of mine told me his friends had informed him that since he left the Bar he was a nicer person. It’s not the first time I have heard this, not about him, I mean about others too. I wondered if this meant that lawyers are not nice, or assume a persona at work that in fact changes their personality. In fact, I don’t believe this. Many lawyers are actually wonderful and generous people (not all of them of course). I don’t think it’s the job of being a lawyer or judge in itself that changes a personality, but rather the stress that can come with it that eats away at them. I know from my own experience that after I was gently removed from the bench I was able to find my natural self and, to use modern terminology, live my best life.
Perhaps in fact what is happening is that lawyers are often picking up the mess left by others. That can be a difficult job, since being a judge and a lawyer is to work through that mess piece by piece and to try to clean it up and make best of what is left behind. I often wonder if this is what “Pick up the pieces” by the Average White Band is really about, because doing so successfully creates such a happy groove.
Sometimes some of the mess other people create sticks to you. And sometimes you’ve just had enough of it, because it is difficult, and the people you are dealing with on a daily basis are - often understandably - difficult too. It means the lawyers and judges are stressed by the mess they are grappling with, and their clients are even more stressed by the uncertainty of what life will look like when the lawyers or the judge decide how that mess is finally to be cleaned up. So everyone is stressed. And if you ever hear anyone say, “I don’t do stress” don't believe them. They do.
At the heart of much poor behaviour, I would suggest, is unhappiness. And stress is a huge cause of unhappiness. The driver who does not acknowledge kindness, or won’t let you out in the first place, is probably stressed to the gills.
That said, the person who discards their crisp packet on the street, who leaves their beer can or bottle on the beach, who picnics in a place of beauty and leaves their detritus behind for others to encounter, who dumps their fridge on a country lane, or who can never be bothered to put their supermarket trolley away after use because "it’s not my problem,” might be in an altogether different category. Rather than being stressed, they might just be selfish and entitled, believing the mess they create is something for others to clean up after they move on to their next place to sully. And lawyers - and all of us - have to deal with people like that also. That is stressful too.
I do not have all the answers of course, just a few thoughts. First, offering and acknowledging kindness makes us happy. That in itself is a counter to stress. Secondly, take a break, as often as you can, to walk away and take in the air, or to go for that run, that session in the gym or that ride on your bike, or even just a walk in the park. I would also suggest having a dog is a great way to feel happy and put a smile on your face - just ask my sausage dog! Cats are welcome too. Thirdly, remember always that the environment we live in is a precious gift to be cared for and loved. How we treat it, and one another within it, matters most of all.
I suggested to my friend that she carries on being the kind and generous individual she has always been, not least because I know that being kind makes her happy, and not being kind would be so contrary to her natural place in life it would contort her brain. She agreed. So if you’re gently let into a queue by a stranger, or you see a group of volunteers making the environment you live in better (all of whom you’ll notice will be smiling) please smile back and wave a thank you, perhaps even join them, not just because that person might be my friend, but because it won’t just make them happy, it will make you happy too!
